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Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire

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(no subject) [Aug. 28th, 2015|10:54 pm]
Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire
Is it the loneliness that makes you drink copious amounts of beer or is it the beer that makes you lonely? Probably neither.

Depression is weird.
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(no subject) [May. 31st, 2012|07:25 pm]
Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire
I guess life is fine. Apparently feeling crappy is a choice, and I need to change something in order to not feel crappy. Also I can't change anyone but myself. I don't hate myself. I actually quite like myself. I just don't like being incredibly lonely and having a lot of "friends" that either don't hang out or can't hang out. So, logically I should make new friends, but I don't hate myself and genuinely like the friends I have and most people I do meet either don't like me or don't want to/can't/don't have time to hang out. To change my opinions and beliefs makes me even more depressed because that causes feeling like less of a person/individual. It's not even about changing something. The depression is not caused by my love of music and playing music, or comics, or watching tv or going to work or enjoying beverages. Those are the things that keep me plodding along and generally happy enough to at least believe in existing. 99% of the time when I'm invited to do something and not otherwise busy with commitments....I do it. It hurts and makes me miserable to be told that I'm responsible for feeling bad.

So once again, life is fine. Being incredibly depressed and lonely is fine.
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Things I've Done Today [May. 7th, 2012|04:10 pm]
Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire
1. Watched Dream On.
2. Got a paycheck.
3. Stood in line at the bank.
4. Purchased comics.
5. Ate eggs and sausage.
6. Read about Jesus having a twin brother who died at birth and became a time traveler.
7. Read Earth 2 #1
8. Sweated.
9. Heard a new Melvins Lite song.
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(no subject) [Apr. 19th, 2012|11:03 pm]
Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire
I was looking through really old emails from 10+ years ago. I had weird emails from around the world. So much internet chatting. It's odd how back then people seemed to reach out more and try to find others that had the same interests. I think facebook kinda just ruined it all....because there is no mystery.....

Started typing in names of people I hardly knew from these emails onto facebook. There was at least one person I have no recollection of ever talking to. Thought that was weird.

The best one was from some girl that was obviously a Chili Peppers fan. I googled her and if it's the same person she's a pretty well to do photographer.

As I'm typing this outside of the laundromat that I google at a police officer just pulled up and flashed his spot light at me. He said "are you the one who called?" I said "No." He said "what are you doing?" "I'm just googling...using the internet." "Do you have any reason to be here?" "I'm using the internet...do I need to leave?" "no your'e fine"

Now he's searching around with a flash light. I'm really confused. Now there are two cop cars.

Anyways....i wish people sought me out like they used to. Instead I'll just keep being really lonely.
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(no subject) [Apr. 2nd, 2012|02:53 pm]
Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire
I was walking home from the train station to my house last night. It's a really long walk. On the way home I decided to open up a bottle of Pabst I had in my bag because I was thirsty.

Previously I had been pretty grumpy, but I opened the bottle and guess what? Ace Of Spades.

I don't know what that meant, but it made me happy.
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(no subject) [Mar. 6th, 2012|01:42 am]
Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire
I haven't updated since September of last year. I'm only updating tonight because I'm wrecked.

Trying not to be suicidal. Sorry that time passes and my brain doesn't. I just want it to be over. Not my life....but the situation I can't do anything about. That I try to move on from....but can't.

Once again....cut everyone/everything out so I don't do anything that makes them uncomfortable. Because I'm a bad person, and I don't deserve to have the feelings I do.
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(no subject) [Sep. 6th, 2011|11:22 pm]
Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire
A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.

10 out of 12 aint bad.
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(no subject) [Sep. 6th, 2011|11:11 pm]
Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire
This is almost getting humorous. Some how I've been able to house clean like all my Eugene friends. You beat a dead horse long enough.

I would rather have a 1000 enemies than 1 friend that doesn't understand.
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(no subject) [Aug. 25th, 2011|09:11 pm]
Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire
For some reason, today made a lot of stuff become clearer to me. I do actually feel better lately and think about stuff far less. Playing shows, making new friends, etc…..I haven’t woken up crying in quite awhile and have had more days where I was actually excited about getting up in the morning.

All I want is to feel better about myself, and feel better about the situations that have happened in my life. I understand that "moving on" is the best thing that I can do. I understand that it's over. I haven't talked to her since the beginning of October of last year. I have systematically cut all the "mutual friends" out since then. I've tried my best to put myself in situations that increase my self-esteem and self-worth.
My argument all along has been that "moving on" has made me feel more and more hopeless and depressed. When I ask for help, when I ask for my things, when I ask to be treated with respect....I feel like I get shot down. I feel incomplete and disrespected when I get told that I don't get anything I want because I "did screaming and stalking and harassing." I know what I did. I screamed and I harassed; I don't remember stalking. If you have a different opinion of what I did; I would like to know so I can clearly gauge why I feel like I keep getting treated like "the bad guy."
I feel like people think I'm purposely creating situations in my head to continue down a path of self-destruction; which is the exact opposite of what I want, and exact opposite of how I feel. Obviously we have a different opinion about stealing. I feel that I'm being taught that stealing is okay when there is emotion involved. Which makes no sense to me, but I need to "move on" and live with that.
I don't want to put words in your mouth or speak for you. I know that you care about me, but I'm beginning to suspect that you don't really think very highly of me. Maybe I need to go about this in another way and explain this isn't necessarily about "how she treated me" and "how angry I am at her." That is probably why I get shot down; because I'm blaming and accusing others for creating how I feel. You told me a long time ago that I needed to quit making accusations. Making the “you did this, you did that” comments.
I know that I’ll never get resolution, and I’ll never get revenge or whatever it is that I want. It’s not even really what I want. All I want is to feel whole, complete, and loved. I wake up every day and think about that and how to accomplish that. What is so upsetting is that I’ve come to understand that that relationship was the most influential thing in my life, and that it will probably always be the most influential thing in my life. It shapes every thought, every feeling, everything. I get that no one can punish anyone for having emotions, or feelings that are different. What I’ve learned is that relationships will inevitably end horribly. I’ll end up feeling like a bad person. I’ll have things taken from my home. I’ll have happiness rubbed in my nose. I’ll try to not feel that way. I’ll be told I can’t do anything about it. I’ll feel worse….and worse….and worse…..
I believe that people think I’m trying to punish her and others. When in my eyes, I’m just trying to get out of a hole. Trying to accomplish something that will make me feel better. Maybe you’re saying getting my stuff back won’t make me feel better. It’s all about hope for me. Hope that maybe someday somebody won’t treat me that way. Hope that maybe the person who had the most impact on my life ever will realize how she treated me. Hope that my friends won’t look at me with a blind eye. Hope that maybe I can move on and be happy.
I have no hope right now. Nothing. Doesn’t matter if I’m nice to my friends or I freak out on my friends…it all has no affect. Nothing gets accomplished. Nothing changes. I still have a big pit of anger and loneliness and sadness.
So what can I do? Give up? Create a situation for myself where I have no hope, no trust, no love in order to cope and let the others around me just go along with their lives. Or do I fight and fight and fight to make myself feel better?
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(no subject) [Aug. 19th, 2011|11:59 am]
Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire
I remember being about 13 or so and turning on HBO late one night and watching Paradise Lost:The Childhood Murders of the Robin Hood Hills. It was all about the three guys that ended up being known as the West Memphis 3.

One of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. Not just because they showed bodies and the crime scene....but that I was absolutely convinced that they were innocent. Railroaded for being "goth" in the south. Satanic Rituals my ass.

Celebrities got behind them. Metallica let the documentary makers use their music. Henry Rollins was a huge supporter. They even made a sequel to the documentary with even more evidence that they didn't do it.

Today, they went free.

They had to cop to a plea deal saying they did it but still maintained their innocence. Doesn't quite make sense does it? As their lawyers said "would the state let them go free if they didn't believe they were innocent?"

18 years in prison mostly for having black hair and liking metal.

As I watched the press conference, the three sat together explaining somethings and just mostly being excited about being free.

Good luck guys. I was just a little kid and knew you were innocent. Maybe real justice will be served now that you're out.
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