||[Aug. 25th, 2011|09:11 pm]
Thrillington Rockingham Crimes, Esquire
For some reason, today made a lot of stuff become clearer to me. I do actually feel better lately and think about stuff far less. Playing shows, making new friends, etc…..I haven’t woken up crying in quite awhile and have had more days where I was actually excited about getting up in the morning. |
All I want is to feel better about myself, and feel better about the situations that have happened in my life. I understand that "moving on" is the best thing that I can do. I understand that it's over. I haven't talked to her since the beginning of October of last year. I have systematically cut all the "mutual friends" out since then. I've tried my best to put myself in situations that increase my self-esteem and self-worth.
My argument all along has been that "moving on" has made me feel more and more hopeless and depressed. When I ask for help, when I ask for my things, when I ask to be treated with respect....I feel like I get shot down. I feel incomplete and disrespected when I get told that I don't get anything I want because I "did screaming and stalking and harassing." I know what I did. I screamed and I harassed; I don't remember stalking. If you have a different opinion of what I did; I would like to know so I can clearly gauge why I feel like I keep getting treated like "the bad guy."
I feel like people think I'm purposely creating situations in my head to continue down a path of self-destruction; which is the exact opposite of what I want, and exact opposite of how I feel. Obviously we have a different opinion about stealing. I feel that I'm being taught that stealing is okay when there is emotion involved. Which makes no sense to me, but I need to "move on" and live with that.
I don't want to put words in your mouth or speak for you. I know that you care about me, but I'm beginning to suspect that you don't really think very highly of me. Maybe I need to go about this in another way and explain this isn't necessarily about "how she treated me" and "how angry I am at her." That is probably why I get shot down; because I'm blaming and accusing others for creating how I feel. You told me a long time ago that I needed to quit making accusations. Making the “you did this, you did that” comments.
I know that I’ll never get resolution, and I’ll never get revenge or whatever it is that I want. It’s not even really what I want. All I want is to feel whole, complete, and loved. I wake up every day and think about that and how to accomplish that. What is so upsetting is that I’ve come to understand that that relationship was the most influential thing in my life, and that it will probably always be the most influential thing in my life. It shapes every thought, every feeling, everything. I get that no one can punish anyone for having emotions, or feelings that are different. What I’ve learned is that relationships will inevitably end horribly. I’ll end up feeling like a bad person. I’ll have things taken from my home. I’ll have happiness rubbed in my nose. I’ll try to not feel that way. I’ll be told I can’t do anything about it. I’ll feel worse….and worse….and worse…..
I believe that people think I’m trying to punish her and others. When in my eyes, I’m just trying to get out of a hole. Trying to accomplish something that will make me feel better. Maybe you’re saying getting my stuff back won’t make me feel better. It’s all about hope for me. Hope that maybe someday somebody won’t treat me that way. Hope that maybe the person who had the most impact on my life ever will realize how she treated me. Hope that my friends won’t look at me with a blind eye. Hope that maybe I can move on and be happy.
I have no hope right now. Nothing. Doesn’t matter if I’m nice to my friends or I freak out on my friends…it all has no affect. Nothing gets accomplished. Nothing changes. I still have a big pit of anger and loneliness and sadness.
So what can I do? Give up? Create a situation for myself where I have no hope, no trust, no love in order to cope and let the others around me just go along with their lives. Or do I fight and fight and fight to make myself feel better?